Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
This story is comedy gold 😂
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?