Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
😬
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up