Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
This did not end as expected.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I know everyoneâs like âthe only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heartâ but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
kids are oblivious to everything but let âem find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didnât want to wake grandpa. Iâd never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose đ
Losing đ˛
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Music can transport us, like when I sang âBaby Sharkâ so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Your time is priceless, hereâs an hourly rate
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: Itâs you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find youâre 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, thatâs going to happen.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.