Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*