deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.