[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
When you kidnap a writer.