ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left