“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye