I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught