My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.