If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Had an epiphany today.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)