ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
road rage
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“Wait, let me explain..”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.