*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.