Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Best table by far
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos