Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The news in a nutshell.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.