Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce