Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”