Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.