I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
The fall of Netflix
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills