Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali