My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES