My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Beware of fowl play.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?