If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
<- sleeps well with others
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.