Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
How animals would run if they were human
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.