As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
You Might Also Like
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭