I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.