I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Yup!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!