We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
and now we wait
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.