“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.