me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*