8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
This 4th of July, please remember…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.