Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put