I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
monday
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
this is uni
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?