I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You Might Also Like
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Duck typos.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu