it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Nice try, NASA
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
found my next D&D character name
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Yup….perfect score!
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.