Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.