*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
This is why I hate group projects
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?