Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.