May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.