[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*