Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
found my next D&D character name