My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back