He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.