Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.