My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library鈥攅ven marry a literal bull-moose-man.
just because your parents planned you doesn鈥檛 mean you weren鈥檛 a mistake
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you鈥檇 react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I鈥檓 sitting right here.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
I don鈥檛 have a date for Valentine鈥檚 Day so I鈥檒l probably end up going out with the wife
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there鈥檚 a clown waiter. You get sick and there鈥檚 a clown surgeon.
People always say that when you have two kids that they鈥檒l play together so it鈥檚 less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius