My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now