The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear