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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
so this horse walks into a bar
for all #parents out there
There is wisdom there.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend