When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist