They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
That’s incredible! 👌
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it